Sitting in meditation with an unknown card between my hands, for my daily “Tarotfeely” a powerful emotion engulfs my heart space, a jerking forward, not unlike the intensity of falling in love.
A vulnerability of excitement AND anticipation, like my heart is going to leap out of my chest at any given moment at the new wondrous experience in front of me.
I see in my mind's eye, one steady golden candle flame in the centre of the darkness, with a brilliant golden hue.
I hear quite simply - “take note”.
I turn it over and find myself face to face Death.
Scientists say anxiety and excitement are one and the same thing.
It depends how we label it, and actually being face to face with Death was really exciting, until I knew it was death, then it was, well, interesting!
I don’t think I’d felt that heart jerking excitement in a very long time.
The sense of newness was profound, and the emotional connection was strong.
Life isn’t over, it’s just beginning.
The final Super New Moon of the year is here to wake us up to the fact we are still alive, to jump-start our hearts with a shock that makes our nerve endings short circuit, and rewire the next level anew.
The Super New Moon is in Scorpio, the sign that rules the Death card in Tarot.
Super New Moons stir Super New Beginnings and Death is the biggest beginning of all.
Couple that with the beautiful aspect this New Moon is making to expansive Jupiter and new life is being breathed into you now if you will but only jump start your heart and breathe.
Breathing happens naturally, unconsciously, most of the time, it’s tough when it doesn’t because you have breathing issues, I know, being an asthmatic, I’ve walked close to death my whole life, but you can’t stop living when you are alive.
It’s a fate worse than death.
But, we do, emotional covid is way more contagious and insidious.
When things don’t affect us physically, we carry on regardless, like we aren’t staring Death in the face.
It doesn’t stop us in our tracks. But we do flatline. Our lives flatline.
And overtime nothing stays flatlined, it starts to dissolve.
Whether that’s your health, your wealth, your relationships, or anything else that you aren't choosing.
And then what?
We stay there, in a morgue, too scared to get up and move on, too scared to LIVE.
Fear that in daring to live you are daring to lose, so you hedge your bets, it’s safer to stay in the morgue even though you are alive.
It’s the greatest sacrilege.
You are alive, and you have a choice. Life doesn’t give up on you, it visits you every day, since death did.
It whispers to you all the things that are waiting for you, it comes back to you each and everyday, no matter how many times you send it away and choose death - until one day…..
So how do you know when you are choosing Death?
Your life gets smaller. It literally shrinks.
Every day that you choose fear, is every day that your fear grows in power, and every day that your fear grows in power is another day where you’ve been backed up in a corner of your life, through an ever growing dark shadow.
There comes a time, where you literally have to choose life or death.
I’ve had that moment a few times in my life.
I had that moment when I found out my baby in SCBU was terminally ill.
At t first I ran away from the nurses trying to get me to see her, I ran back to my room (as fast as an emergency C-section anemic new mum could) and I sat there in the dark November light, which literally grew, like the grim reaper. He filled the room like a giant until there was no space for me to stay.
Before I knew it I had been expelled from my room, and catapulted down the corridor back to SCBU to hold my daughter for the first time whilst Robbie Williams Angels played on the radio.
It was the first time I heard it, and as if by magic an angelic nurse said to me...
“I bet you are thinking why me?”
Her name was life (not really, but i’m calling her that).
I was so very aware I had just been visited by two angels, the angel of death and the angel of life, and I knew my answer to this question would be the choice of life or death.
“It’s me because I’m the one who can love her the most”
That was more than a response, that was an embodied decision, a vibratory vow, to choose life, more than I’d ever chosen it before for the two decades I'd been on the planet.
Death visited me eight years later, in the sudden moment I knew I needed to shut my shop, leave my six-year relationship and make myself homeless, jobless, and relationshipless in a week, because I couldn’t grow anymore. To be fair, it had crept up on me, but suddenly it was there, staring me in the face.
I had it another vist eight years after that, in the moment I realised I could no longer continue perpetuating the way society sees Tarot. I had to take the road less traveled. I had to make a stand for something no-one understood.
None of those experiences have been easy. But what was the alternative?
Choose your hard...
I can’t bear thinking about the alternative of not opening my heart to love my daughter for the four months she was here, no matter how my heart was shot to smithereens for years, ahem I mean decades afterward.
I can’t bear to think how my life would have been if I hadn't shut my shop and relationship, it wouldn’t have been that bad, but I would have missed out on so much, the height of my London career, international speaking TV, and of course, meeting my husband.
I can’t bear to think how my life would have been if I had stayed on the London circuit, in media and TV, exploiting obsessions through predictions - and the negative effect that would have continued to ripple through people’s lives.
And now, I find myself at another of these times.
A time where I realise I have to shift again.
I have to let go of what my ego wants to cling to because if I don’t my ego will cause the very death it is trying to protect me from.
A time where I have to let go of past wounds if I am in to breathe life into my life.
A time where things are about to change, and you are about to see the external changes of a deep internal rework.
Yes, I've been backed up in that metaphorical corner all year, lockdown.
Death has sent us all to our rooms all year round to think about how we have been living, who with, how, what, where, why, what needs a total rehaul.
We’ve all had to take a very long deep look at everything around us, reassess and restructure, it’s been a long hard truthful look and process that’s taken nearly all year.
We’ve had to face a multitude of things we’d rather not and lay them to rest and now.
This is the gift of the Super New Moon in Scorpio.
That jumpstart in your chest, the excitement of life lurking there with the visit of the grim reaper, because they always come together.
When you see her standing there her beauty blows your mind,- it feels divinely miraculous.
The wonderousness of life on the otherside is really quite glorious….
From the beginning of my life
I have been looking
for your face
I have seen it
Today I have seen
and the unfathomable grace
of the face that I have been looking for Today I have found you
and those who laughed
and scorned me yesterday are sorry they were not looking as I did
I am bewildered by the magnificence of your beauty
and wish to see you with a hundred eyes
My heart has burned with passion
and has searched forever for this wondrous beauty
I now behold I am ashamed to call this love human
and afraid of God to call it divine
Your fragrant breath
like the morning breeze has come to the stillness of the garden
You have breathed new life into me
I have become your sunshine and also your shadow
My soul is screaming in ecstasy
Every fiber of my being is in love with you
Your effulgence has lit a fire in my heart
and you have made for me the earth and sky
My arrow of love has arrived at the target
I am in the house of mercy
and my heart is a place of prayer
Choose Vulnerability, Choose Visibility, Choose Vision, Choose life.
Wondrous, Moon Magic to you.